Jokes and Accusations against Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

• According to U.S. Attorney David Fitzgerald, Blagojevich is attempting to sell the U.S. senate seat he would be in charge of appointing when Barack Obama becomes president. “It’s a f—ing valuable thing,” he reportedly said. “You just don’t give it away for nothing….I’ve got this thing, and it’s f—ing golden.”

Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up for work in Chicago on Wednesday. Just his luck, it was national call-in-sick if you're gay day. He may have to resign as governor of Illinois but he's leading all polls to be the next governor of California.

• Blagojevich, presumably having contacted Obama’s staff, seeked “appointment as secretary of health and human services or an ambassadorship, an appointment to a private foundation, a higher paying job for his wife or campaign contributions,” according to Fitzgerald. Local media has suggested that Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, may have tipped off authorities about Blagojevich’s proposals.

St. Mark's Episcopal in Chicago placed global positioning devices in their Nativity Scene figurines to halt theft. They're easy to track. Last year's Messiah is on his way to Washington and the donkey's been arrested for trying to sell a Senate seat.

• At one point, Blagojevich proposed taking a high-paying union job in exchange for Obama getting his choice of Senate replacement, with the union getting benefits from Obama. When the deal fell through, the governor told his wife Patti and their aides, “They’re not willing to give me anything but appreciation. F— them.”

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up in the legislature Tuesday for the impeachment hearing against him for selling a Senate seat. It was easy to find him. He had to fly to Mogadishu to accept an honorary doctorate from Somali Pirate University.

• Blagojevich considered taking the Senate position in order to avoid impeachment as Governor, as well as set himself up for a 2016 presidential run. ” “If they’re not going to offer anything of any value,” he said, “then I might just take it.”

"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno

• Blagojevich compared his position in regards to the Senate seat to a sports agent shopping a player around to “the highest bidder.”

ABC News says Rod Blagojevich was a bookie with links to the mob before he was governor. Jesse Jackson Jr. just realized he was snitching on the Chicago mob. In lieu of flowers, his family is requesting that donations be made to his father's slush fund.

• The governor discussed starting a “non-profit organization” to hit up rich friends of Obama’s like Warren Buffett for up to $15 million. He would then run the organization when he retired as governor.

"It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel

• He described his “non-profit” fantasy to a union leader representing a Senatorial candidate, who said he’d “run it up the pole.”

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was defended by his Chicago lawyer Thursday. He noted that tapes are inadmissible in an impeachment, and impeachment would taint a criminal trial. Dick Cheney just told his wife that snow or no snow, they're moving to Chicago.

• Blagojevich also discussed getting “some money up front, maybe” from a potential Senatorial candidate.

Federal prosecutors have released an affadavit showing recordings of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich allegedly talking about selling Obama's Senate seat.

Blagojevich who said, “I’ve got this thing, and it’s [expletive] golden. And I’m just not giving it up for [expletive] nothing..." was ACTUALLY referring to his personal hairstylist who he stole from Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club."

• Blagojevich ran a pay-to-play scheme to receive money from contractors who benefit from his actions as governor.

Barack Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emanuel refused to answer questions Friday about the attempted sale of Obama's Senate seat. He's desperate to get the press on to another subject. He just asked one of his daughters if she'd like to go missing.

• Upon learning he was under investigation for fraud and bribery, Blagojevich and his associates worked “feverishly to get as much money from contractors, shaking then down, pay-to-play, before the end of the year,” according to Fitzgerald.

Governor Rod Blagojevich refused to step down from office Monday when Illinois lawmakers began impeachment proceedings. It may take awhile. The legislature is trying to come up with the six hundred thousand dollars he's demanding to resign in disgrace.

• When a $1.8 billion tollway project was announced, Blagojevich tried to get beneficiaries of the contract to give $100,000 in contributions.

Governor Blagojevich was at a Christmas play in a Chicago School, and when the three wise men showed up bearing gifts for the newborn Jesus, Governor Blagojevich demanded half the loot. (Leno)

• Blagojevich noted about the tollway project, “I could have made a larger announcement but wanted to see how they would perform by the end of the year. If they don’t perform, f— ‘em.”

"Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler

• The governor allotted $8 million in funds to Children’s Memorial Hospital, believing he would get $50,000 back from the hospital’s CEO. When the money never came, he checked with staff to see if he could pull back the funding.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan asked the state Supreme Court on Friday to declare Governor Rod Blagojevich disabled and unfit for office. That's silly. If crookedness was a disability, Chicago would be known worldwide as the City of Ramps.

• A bill involving the diverting of casino funds for horseracing has been held up because Blagojevich has yet to receive $100,000 contributions from those who would benefit.

The Weather Channel reported a huge mass of cold air sweeping into the Midwest on Sunday. The front was setting new records for low wind-chill temperatures. It was so cold in Chicago that Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling heated Senate seats.

• After the Chicago Tribune called for his impeachment in editorials, the governor and John Harris, his chief of staff, warned the Tribune Company that they would have to fire certain editors if they wanted to get the sale of Wrigley Field, which they owned, passed. “Fire all those f—ing people. Get them the f— out of there. And get us some editorial support,” he reportedly said.

Inaugural officials predicted four million people will attend the Inauguration ceremony. Every power broker will be there. The Illinois governor will be kept out of town so in the event of a catastrophe, someone will be alive to sell the government.

• All together, Blagojevich was looking to acquire about $2.5 million in “contributions” through these illegal shakedowns.

Blagojevich is accused of trying to sell a seat in the Senet to the highest bidder. If Blagojevich is sent to jail - his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Connan)

• Blagojevich told Harris that he was “financially hurting,” and that he needed this money for “security” and to stay “politically viable.”

Barack Obama cut all ties to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich Thursday. He's also disowned Jeremiah Wright and Tony Rezko. Having Chicago as a hometown for an incoming president is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.

• Many of his pay-to-play schemes were done with the participation of convicted felons like the infamous Tony Rezko.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat. His family is so proud. Rod Blagojevich could go down in history as the only Serbian leader whose trial didn't end up at the International Criminal Court.

• Fearing that the money in his Friends Of Blagojevich campaign fund would be frozen if arrested, he considered prepaying his criminal attorney, believing the attorney would re-donate the money if his services weren’t required.